Victor Tumbles

forealsryan:

Today is January 14, 2011, the day that you ended everything with me. The day that I would never forget, the day that I would always remember. I have a couple of words for you, I put them into a letter. I just wanted to tell you this, how I felt all along with you, the last thing I have to say, coming from my last breath. I hope you would understand. Here’s my final letter to you.

Dear love,

I haven’t met you for that long, but it feels like we’ve known each other forever. I tell you everything and I don’t know if you did the same. I know that the feelings you gave me was true. I know that you loved me and you cared for me. I was happy knowing that you were mine, even when it didn’t last long. There are tears running down my face as I’m typing this up. You have no idea how much pain I’m going through right now. I can continue to talk about this days after days, weeks after weeks, months after months, years after years, even my whole life. I have so much to say about us. I basically don’t have any emotions left in me. Every day I wait and wait and see what goes on. Nothing new, just sitting here feeling alone, all by myself. I promised I would never give up, but you’re thinking about giving up on me. I don’t know what to do, I’ll respect you and just let you go. It’s better this way, right? I mean, I don’t want to get hurt even more. I don’t want to bother you anymore. I was in love with you. You gave me an incredible feeling whenever I talk to you. There are no explanations to that feeling, it’s indescribable. I don’t know what I’m saying but, was it love? You’re the first one to make me experienced that. I felt like we been through everything together. Even though you never really have time for me but I was there for you, always, whenever you need me. Whenever you’re mad at me, even when there are no reasons for you to be. I put all the blame on myself so that the problem could be solved faster. I take everything right through me. I accepted this as a challenge, I understand you. You’ve been through a lot too so I know I will have to prove it to you. You know it’s true. You are really amazing; you’re one of a kind. I loved how you cared so much. You told me you loved me. At least I know it was true, at least I believed so. But at the end, I guess everything just disappears. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing is perfection. Promises are meant to be broken. I guess it’s true now. I never believed those words, I experienced it now. Maybe my mind was filled with fantasy, but you made me feel like I was living in a dream. I’ll be careful next time. I can’t let you go, I really can’t. I was, I am too attached to you. I told you how I felt about you. All those words that I told you about were true. All those words that came out of my mouth. Everything was true about us.

I wanted to prove to you that I will treat you right, I wanted to prove to you that I’m not like any other guys who had done you wrong. You told me I was different. There was never bullshit that came out of my mouth. Sometimes you never seem to care, but I was still there fighting through everything just to be with you. Do you have any idea of what bullshit that I’ve been through? You probably don’t know. I don’t blame you. I put you as my number one, there was nothing before you. You cross my mind every second. I had two different feelings. One, I smile whenever my mind reminds me of you. Two, I get upset of the fact how I never have time to see you. We missed each other so much that we both cried, I miss that. I miss holding onto your hands, the stupid kiss that we did, this kiss on your cheek. I miss calling you mine. I miss you being mad at me. I miss waiting for your text messages. I miss everything about you. Remember our phone talk? Remember what we told each other? Remember everything that I told you? Remember all our promises? This is making me suffer, this hurts more than anything in the world. I’ve lived for sixteen years and I never experienced something like this. I still have a long way to go in life but I doubt that I would ever feel anything like this again. What if something like this happens again? I am afraid. Why? Why does it have to be you that left me? You left me hanging, just here, I have nowhere else to go. We promised each other we would be forever, remember? I still have this thought in my head. Do you? I would keep this promise, I am putting effort into it but you’re not. Where are all your promises though? Where are they? So a lot of things that you told me were all lies. You wanted to stay with me forever, you cried while you told me those words, saying that we are going to last forever, grow old together. Do you remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was such an idiot to believe you. You know you’re putting me through shit. I respect your decision so I should just let go. I never stopped loving you every second. I tried my best just to put a smile on your face. It was hard for me, it was confusing, it was complicated. Being with you was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I rather have us arguing every single day, because whenever we argue, it’s only because we care for each other. I never had a single doubt in us, I really thought we could be forever. But I guess that forever is such a big word, we can’t really keep our own words. I can, I know I can. I told you I would never leave you, and I am still not leaving you. I hope we would still be talking because I would die without you. I am dying bit by bit inside, what’s keeping me alive is knowing that you’re still here, breathing and living. There are so many memories popping through my head right now, Future boyfriend, girlfriend thing, how we first met, how we began talking, how we texted each other, how we talked on the phone for the first time, the moment I told you that I had feelings for you, the moment where we met for the second time, the moment where we spent half a day with each other, the moment when I hear your voice.

Remember the letters? Be my girlfriend. Remember how we first met? When I told you that you caught my attention. Remember how we began talking? When you first hit me up and I got your number. Remember how we text? Long, meaningful messages. The good morning and goodnight game. You lost, I remember, you never did sing to me. Remember the first time we talked on the phone? You made fun of my voice? You said how you like my voice because it’s not so deep. Remember when I told you that I had feelings for you? I waited a day for a reply. It was scary. That night I just felt that something was different about you. I just had a thought in my head that you needed to be mine. That night, I just kept telling you all these sweet things and you said, “Just tell me”. It took me more than twenty minutes to reply. I was nervous when you didn’t reply, you texted me the next morning, it felt so much better. You told me you had feelings for me too, I remembered I was going to school smiling. Remember the second time we saw each other? The kiss, those awkward moments. Remember the last time we met? It wasn’t long ago, it feels long. I missed you so much since then. I like holding onto your hand. You got mad at me and started to bring up all the problems from our past again. You ignored me for awhile. I was standing there helplessly but you kept making fun of me. I acted like I was sad so you came back to me. You untied my shoelaces. You bought food, but you wouldn’t let me pay for you. Our hug, I kissed you on the cheek, your chubby cheeks. I miss calling you chubby cheeks. I miss calling you my baby, babe, boo, and… yeah. And the moment where we got caught, remember that? I do. I was so scared, I was so afraid that you would get in trouble. You let go of my hand and you had to leave. Without a hug, without a kiss, but you left you on my mind. From that night on, you had my heart. All of my heart. I remember everything. I remember everything that we did. Only if we could relive time once again. Maybe it will happen again, the possibility is most likely a no.

I get jealous a lot, only because I don’t want to lose you, only because I want to keep you as mine. Assumptions became a big factor, we both assume a lot. I am sorry, sorry about what? I don’t know, I am just sorry for everything. Even when you always reply late, I don’t complain. You made me happy, you changed me, and you completed me. Now I am here alone, incomplete, without you, I am really nothing. I would just go back, be my old self, acted like the way I was. I don’t think I can. You made a difference in my life, believe it or not. You were the best thing that happened to me. This all started because something was bothering you. What was bothering you? You never told me, and if you don’t, then it’s fine. I can see through you, I know when something is wrong. Let’s just say, I understand you. You started to ignore me, for days. I sent you full page text messages, I made sure I waste every single letter. A 1760 letters text message followed by a 1920 letters text message. I tried to put a smile on your face, I texted you goodnight every single night. I still don’t get a reply. When you do reply, you tell me how much you love me and tell me not to worry. I am worrying, you have no idea what I’ve been going through. You asked why I am still here. Because at the end of this, I know that it’s worth it. You’re worth it. I am going through a path of pain, you don’t even understand why you’re hurting me this bad. I was going through all the pain because I rather be the one who gets hurt instead of you. Seeing you hurt would only hurt me even more. I was just hoping, hoping every day. I wanted you to realize how I will stand here, still, waiting for you. I wanted you to realize I will try my best for you. I wanted you to realize how much you mean to me. I wanted you to realize I keep my promises. I wanted you to realize that I love you.

You told me, let’s just be friends. You have no idea how much those words hurt me. I was just laying there with the thought floating in my head over and over again. I can’t stop thinking about it. Yes, we can be friends, just friends. We can be whatever you want us to be. Don’t expect me to pull it all together by myself, I need your help too. I guess I tried too hard, maybe I cared a little too much. Flash backs. Flash backs. Flash backs. It’s killing me. Our long text messages, just everything. My heart is burning, and my mind is shaking. I need you back, now. I blame everything to myself for this opportunity to pass. I guess the memories you had turned into ashes and it faded away. Mine is still here, forever. I will never forget about any single thing about us. I made a promise and I’m keeping it. Call me stupid. I will be here, waiting, I don’t care how long, as long as I know that it’s worth it. What if you don’t come back? You are not coming back. I will just be an idiot standing here, weakly, begging for help. I am that idiot right now. I will be one for the rest of my life. I tell myself, whatever, but what do I mean by whatever? Whatever about us? I can’t, I just can’t. I keep telling myself that it’s done, it’s over. But my heart is not leaving. You’re still here, stuck in my head, you left a scar in my heart. Before you left me, you said I could do so much better. How can I do better without you in my life? How? The thought, forever, forever, forever, forever, forever. Nothing but just a bunch of lies. “I love you more.” We say that to each other all the time, you made me believed that you really loved me more. No, I loved you a lot more than you loved me. I would do anything for you. You admitted that you were in love with me. If you were in love with me, you would never, never had put me through this pain. You would never want to end it with me. I can’t just move on. It would take an eternity to get over you. I am tired of getting my heart broken every time. What am I doing wrong? Loving someone so much is a bad thing? Caring for someone so much is a bad thing too? I never fell for anyone this hard. Every day, I fall for you harder and harder. Now, there’s no way back up. I am too attached to you. You’re so different, I was lucky to have you as mine even when it didn’t lasted long. I can go on talking about my feelings forever. You have no idea how much you meant to me. You meant more than anything in this universe. I guess I should stop, eventually I will stop caring. Maybe. I don’t think I ever will stop caring. As long as you’re happy with your decision, I’m happy for you. I respect you, you decided it.

I hope you find someone who would treat you right, who would treat you better than I did. I hope he’s an amazing guy. Please just make a last promise. Don’t fall into a player’s hand. I don’t want to see you get hurt. I will still care for you, even if we’re separated. I want you to smile while you’re with him. I wish you get to spend a lot of time with him. I wish he would send you long, meaningful text messages. I wish he would text you goodnight before you sleep. I wish he would understand it when something goes wrong. I wish he would tell you his stories like I did. I wish he loves you for who you are. I wish he cares for you. I wish he loves you. I wish he never tell you a single lie. I wish he knows what’s right and what’s wrong. I wish he corrects you from time to time. I wish he teaches you about what’s good or bad. I wish he makes you feel like a somebody in your life later on. I wish he would be the right one that you’re looking for. I wish he would love you with all his heart, everything that he has. I wish he would love you more than I did. That’s all I wish for. My job is supposed to make sure that you’re happy anyways, if you’re happy now, then everything is fine. I will get jealous, I’m not going to lie, but as long as you’re happy, I should be happy too. At least I am supposed to be. It will hurt seeing you with another guy, but what hurts more is seeing you get hurt. Please make sure that he’s a wonderful person with a great personality. I was probably not enough for you. You’re a really special girl, you deserve a great guy. Just remember what I told you, I will be here for you whenever you need me, whenever you need something. I will just be a best friend of yours, or maybe just a friend. Just let me be something in your life. Maybe just a stranger, just a stranger, just a stranger. A stranger that you’ve never met in your life before. A stranger who entered your life and loved you like he promised to but got kicked out of your life.

Tears are coming out, the memories are fading away. Yet there are so many memories that are still in me. So much memories are still left in me. There are so many tears that I can’t let go off. Tears of sadness and joy, remembering our memories and how we just ended it like that. Out of nowhere, things are history now, not in my heart though. Everything is still here in my heart. Your name is here, forever. You are still here, walking on my mind. Everything turns into a mystery. A mystery on my mind, never knowing why you wanted to end it. Never knowing what I did wrong. Our problem is like a maze that I can never solve. I will never understand what went wrong, everything seemed perfect. Maybe it was only perfect in my eyes. Instead of letting it go bit by bit, it’s pulling me closer and closer. “I’m not going to miss you.” I keep repeating those words to myself but I know for a fact that I will miss you. I will miss you, more than anything that I’ve lost. It’s going to take me weeks, months, years, my whole life to get over you. You will always mean something to me, you became a part of my heart and it’s staying there. Well, who knows how the future is going to be? It’s unpredictable. We might have our wonderful memories back together or maybe it will all just disappear.

I will step out of your life forever, if you need me to. I will stop bothering. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry you’ve ever gotten hurt. I am sorry for all the wrong decisions I’ve made. This was my side of the story, it might be different from yours. I can tell you much more but you should understand enough now. Farewell, I hope you would be happy for the rest of your life. Please be happy. I don’t want to let go, or say goodbye, but I just have to. Maybe letting go is the best thing to do. What hurts the most is that I am still deeply in love with you.

Sincerely,

 

Just a friend